One of my goals for 2014 was to go out on more dates. And judging by the available men I’ve see out in Philly, I decided the best way to do that would be online dating.
I might have been very, very wrong.
The top 7 things NOT to say when you’re talking to someone online…
1. “Don’t message me if you’re a girl and not a woman.” – 1. You messaged ME. 2. What? Where is the line between girl and woman drawn? I pay my own bills, but I enjoy Harry Potter as much as the next 12 year old. Get off my back, bro. 3. Most guys who say this are wearing some form of superhero memorabilia.
2. “LOL…I’m sorry, but you went to see John Mayer?” – Yeah, I did. And it was awesome. And so did a lot of other good looking girls that you’re probably going to alienate with that comment. And I’ve loved John Mayer longer than I’ve loved any other man, so watch it.
3. “You fucking weirdo. How are you? You’re pretty. – This needs no commentary.
4. “Quite sexy you are.” – Quite Yoda you’re not. Form your sentences correctly, please.
5. “Hey…would you let someone rub your feet and serve you drinks?” – I would let someone do that, just not someone who uses that as an icebreaker. I automatically assume you have a foot fetish and now I’m uncomfortable.
6. “I won’t use a line like ‘I lost my number…can I have yours?'” – Is this your way of telling me you’re not a creep?
7. “Can you cite this Camus quote without looking it up?” – No, and now I’m totally bored.
And with that…it’s time to pay attention in class.